Limitations:

• As of right now, the latest official version of Nintendont isn’t compatible with Homeland. You can boot the game, but it’ll freeze if you try to go online. See the “what you’ll need” section below for a link to the latest compatible version (Sep 5 2021).

• This works on Wii U! However, you can’t use a Nintendont channel forwarder to launch the game from the Wii U menu. This only works in Wii mode. Sorry, channel forwarder enthusiasts.

• This works on Dolphin too! Go to settings and make sure SP1 is set to “Broadband Adapter (HLE)”. However, Dolphin players can only join servers, not start their own. Wii and Wii U players will crash their consoles when trying to join. (Or that’s what happened in our tests; let us know if you get different results.)

• This sort of works with the WIP fan translation! Because, you know, WIP. The translation can’t go online on Wii or Wii U because it changes the game’s ID, which means Nintendont doesn’t know it needs to enable Broadband Adapter emulation for this game. For now, you’ll have to use the Japanese version OR modify the translation to change the ID from “GHEE” to “GHEJ” using a program called GCRebuilder. Dolphin and GameCube players can use the translation as-is. (Note: Future versions of the translation won’t have this limitation.)

What You’ll Need:

• The game’s ISO file (can’t link you to this one, go ask Bing).

• A compatible version of Nintendont. As of right now, the latest compatible version is the September 5, 2021 one, which you can get here. Click the down arrow button to download the file. Rename it from “loader.dol” to “boot.dol”.

• A save file with online mode unlocked. We’re using the save file that was uploaded by GeBeCluck23 to onlineconsoles.com, converted to .raw format to work with Nintendont. Here’s an already converted version. (If you’re using the WIP fan translation with the modified game ID, use this one.) Alternatively, you can unlock online mode yourself by playing through one game scenario. If you decide to do that, you might want to check out Longplay Archive’s walkthrough of the “DreamWorld” scenario (the first two and half hours or so in the video below) and/or Lua’s Homeland speedruns on Twitch.

• OPTIONAL: The “add English chatbox” cheat code, created by shaaktee_. This enables the Latin alphabet in places where it can’t normally be used, like the name selection menu, which is useful if you don’t want a Japanese name. Here’s a version in .gct format for Nintendont. (If you’re on Dolphin or GameCube and just want the code in text form, here it is.)

Tutorial:

1. Put the game’s ISO file in your SD card or USB drive’s “games” folder, like this: /games/Homeland [GHEJ]/game.iso
2. Put Nintendont in the “apps” folder, like this: /apps/Nintendont/boot.dol (the “icon” and “meta” files aren’t strictly necessary but if you want the app to look nice on the Homebrew Channel, you can get them under “Quick Installation” here.)
3. Put the save file in the “saves” folder, like this: /saves/GHEJ.raw
4. Put the cheat file in the “codes” folder, like this: /codes/GHEJ91.gct

1. Put the SD card or USB drive back in the Wii or Wii U and launch the Homebrew Channel (again, if you’re on Wii U, you’ll have to go into Wii mode, DON’T use a forwarder).
2. Launch Nintendont. Once it loads, look at the date to make sure you’re not in an incompatible version (meaning one released after 2021).
3. Pick SD or USB depending on what you’re using.
4. Press B to go into the settings. Make sure Cheats, Memcard Emulation, and BBA emulation are On.
5. Press B again to exit settings. Select the game from the list and press A to launch it.

1. Once the game loads, press any button to go into the main menu. If you don’t see “バカ” at the top, that means you put the save file in the wrong folder (it’s “saves”, not “save”… you big バカ).
2. Select the third option (ネットワーク), then the first one (ネットせってい), then the first one (はい). This will take you into the network configuration menu.
3. Scroll all the way down to confirm you totally read all this important text. Select “同意する” and press A to confirm.
4. Pick the first memory card, then “DHCPでつなぐ”. Leave this on “自動”, then pick “セーブ”, then “はい”. Press A on “ゲームに戻る” to exit the network configuration.

1. In the main menu, press A on “バカ” to enter the save file. By the way, “バカ” means “stupid”, so it’s a good idea to change your name to something more dignified.
2. Once you’re in the game, walk up to the angel (yes, that’s an angel), press A, and pick “たずねる” to talk to it.
3. Pick the third option (なまえをかえる), then “はい”. You’re now in the name entry menu. NOTE: You won’t be able to change your name if you’ve already joined or started a server. The game will ask you to leave or end the server first (see Steps 6 and 7 below for how to do that).
4. Pick “123” to enter the numerical table. If you added the cheat file, you can now press D-pad down + Y to enable the Latin alphabet. Enter a good, dignified name (sorry, “POOP” is taken) and press “OK”. NOTE: If you pick a name someone in the server already has, you’ll be forced to add an extra character before connecting.
5. Pick “はい” once again to confirm.

1. In the game, talk to the angel and pick “いう”.
2. Pick “ABC”, then “#”, then enter “せつぞくきりかえ” letter by letter. When you’re done, press “OK”.
3. If the angel says “マッチングサーバーけいゆせつぞくに きりかえますか?”, that means you’re already in IP connection mode. Pick “いいえ” to cancel. If the angel says “IPアドレスしていせつぞくにきりかえますか?”, that means you’re in matching server mode, which hasn’t worked since 2007. Pick “はい” to switch to IP mode (unless you have access to a time machine).

1. In the game, go to the shelf on the upper right corner and pick “しらべる”, then “マスコットをえらぶ”. This will take you to the mascot selection screen.
2. Pick any available mascot except for the God Mascot (the one that looks like the angel but black). Unless you started your own save file, that means Gant (the big rocky guy next to God) or Pinoc (the long-nosed one in the corner). You might want to read Puutan’s mascot guide to decide which one you’ll be playing as.
3. As the mascot, go talk to the angel and pick “たずねる”, then the first option (いせかいへいく), then the second (ネットでぼうけん), then the first (ホームランドをさがす).
4. You’ll be taken to the connection screen. Pick “はい” to confirm you want to go online, then enter the IP of the server you want to join and press “決定”. NOTE: You can check kamisaba.info for public servers and their IPs. Make sure they have a green connection icon to verify that they’re currently working. You might also find servers in the GameCube Online Discord or the Homeland Discord (feel free to DM for an invite). Or you can start your own! See Step 7 for how.
5. If all went well, you’ll see your character in the game’s park. You’re now online! The “ON LINE” sign on the corner shows your connection strength (yellow is good, red is bad).
6. To quit for the day, press start, pick “ログアウト”, then “はい”. At this point you can decide if, while away, you want your mascot to be used as an AI companion by anyone (だれでもOK), by friends only (きずなのひと), or by no one (だれにもダメ). The first option is recommended, since you might level up and get free stuff. Press A to confirm your decision.
7. To rejoin the same server, talk to the angel without using a mascot and pick “たずねる”, then the first option (いせかいへいく), then the second (ネットでぼうけん), then the second (ログインする). You’ll be taken to the connection screen again. Confirm you want to go online with “はい” and confirm the IP (you shouldn’t have to enter it again, unless the host has changed it).
8. To quit the server permanently, talk to the angel without using a mascot and pick “たずねる”, then the first option (いせかいへいく), then the second (ネットでぼうけん), then the third (マスコットたいじょう). Pick “はい” to confirm. Note that you won’t be able to join the same server again unless you pick a different mascot.

1. In the game, go to the shelf on the upper right corner and pick “しらべる”, then “マスコットをえらぶ”. This will take you to the mascot selection screen.
2. NOW you can pick the God Mascot (again, the one that looks like the angel but black).
3. As the God Mascot, go talk to the angel and pick “たずねる”, then the first option (いせかいへいく), then the third (かみさまプレイ), then the first (ホームランドをつくる).
4. You’ll be taken to the connection screen. Pick “はい” to confirm you want to go online.
5. If all went well, you’ll see the God Mascot in the middle of a map. You’re now hosting! To get players, share your IP with friends or register your server at kamisaba.info.
6. To stop hosting for the day, press start and pick “ちゅうだん” and then “はい”. If there are players in the server, this will start a 60 second countdown before it stops.
7. To restart the same server, talk to the angel without using a mascot and pick “たずねる”, then the first option (いせかいへいく), then the third (かみさまプレイ), then the second (かみさまをさいかいする). You’ll be taken to the connection screen again. Confirm you want to go online with “はい”.
8. To stop the server permanently, talk to the angel without using a mascot and pick “たずねる”, then the first option (いせかいへいく), then the third (ホームランドをつくるこわす), then pick “はい” twice. You’ll be taken online to confirm you want to destroy the server forever. :’(

Special Thanks and Acknowledgements:

• Puutan’s English Homeland guide. Now that you can go online, you should definitely check this out to, you know, learn how to actually play this game.
• The users of the Homeland Discord for their patience, support, and keeping this game alive all these years. It’s a small server whose regulars wouldn’t like seeing a ton of random English-speaking people join at once, so please DM for an invitation if you’re seriously interested in joining (or join the GameCube Online Discord, which has a Homeland section).
• The Kamisaba website. Go there to find servers!
• GeBeCluck23 for the “baka” save file.
• shaaktee_ on Discord for the cheat code.
• FossilArcade for the excellent Homeland review that got us interested in this game in the first place:

 

(This article is also available at Neocities.)

So far in this series, we’ve talked about a fan-made SNES RPG where you fight “gangstas” and evil turds, one where you end up trapped in a town because the dev forgot to include an exit, and one where you encounter Mario’s grave and find out he was killed by Luigi. (Note: This was made in 1998, not 2024.) Here’s one thing we haven’t talked about yet, though: a finished game. And a non-terrible one, too!

As far as we can tell, what follows is the ONLY full-length English-language game made in SNES RPG Maker 2 / RPG Tsukuru 2 that still survives – there were other cool-sounding ones in the '90s, like Black Rain and Mana Quest, but they are now what the kids like to call “lost media.” This and the next article will be devoted to that one surviving game, both due to its length and because it legitimately deserves more attention than all the others we’ve covered so far (sorry, Turd Fighter '98 or whatever that one was called).

Of course, the fact that there was actual effort put into this game doesn’t mean there aren’t some bugs, typos, and very 1998 jokes involving scantly-clad women rendered in 16-bit graphics – but enough spoilers. Let’s-a RPG.

Note: This game can be downloaded at rmarchiv.de (or archive.org’s archived version of rmarchiv.de, if it goes offline again).

“Honorable Direction 2 - Enter Culex” by Spoony Bard (11-10-1998)

As you might have guessed from the “2” in the title, this is a sequel to an earlier (non-SNES) game called Honorable Direction, which appears to be lost. However, the opening crawl quickly gets you up to speed on the plot: there was a demon, and then you killed him. Well done! The game hasn’t even started and you’re already a winner.

Three years after your character, Corda, killed that demon, you learn that a guy named Culex is going around destroying towns with his evil army. One day, you’re chilling in an inn when you’re grabbed by guards and brought to meet this Culex, who seems like a charming, well-adjusted fellow.

Culex doesn’t appreciate you asking why he’s destroying all those towns, so he takes away all your gear and teleports you to a “derseted” island. (The hero immediately losing all the cool shit they acquired during the previous game is known in gaming parlance as “Samus’ predicament.”) Luckily, within seconds of exploring that island, you run across a Rusty Sword, Rusty Helmet, Rusty Shield, Rusty Armor, and even some (Rusty?) money.

It’s always nice when you find equipment laying around in a game and can just take it guilt-free… but this is not one of those cases. As soon as you grab the stuff, a voice (presumably belonging to someone named “Rusty”) shouts “HEY! You took my treasure!!” You’re then thrown into a fight scene with an enemy named “Thief,” even though you’re the one who did the thieving.

Not content with stealing Rusty the Non-Thief’s gear, you also steal his life. Corda has been living in an island for about two minutes and he’s already regressed into a vicious savage.

After exploring some more of that deserted island, you quickly find your way to some non-deserted ones. At last, civilization! You reach an island town called Risek where you meet some fun NPCs, like this possibly bipolar guy who has conflicting feelings towards nature…

…and the best character in the game: this old man who has romantic feelings towards a body of water.

(You can’t see it here, but he has a full body spasm before saying that. Dude really loves that pond.)

At Risek, you get directions to a tunnel leading to the mainland, but the tunnel is guarded by the fearsome Randolf, a Culex henchman whose job is to kill you if you try to escape your island exile. You catch Randolf just as he’s mugging a priest, because “stand here and wait until a guy tries to escape an island” is a pretty dull job and mugging men of cloth is the closest thing he has to entertainment.

Once you vanquish the mighty Randolf, the priest, in accordance with RPG customs, joins your party. His name is Yelfe and he turns out to have healing powers and a healthy hatred of Culex, so he should come in pretty “handy,” as he puts it. Corda and Yelfe head for a town named Capem, where Culex is infamous among the populace due to his town-destroying ways. They don’t care for that guy one bit.

(No, the game clearly it was “derseted.”)

Some people in Capem are about to send a boat to a town up north to check if it got Culex’d or not, so Corda and Yelfe hitch a ride with them. During the trip, they have a heart-to-heart and Yelfe reveals his motivation for becoming a butt-kicking priest: his fiancée happened to be visiting another town at the same time as Culex and didn’t survive. The screen goes dark as Yelfe talks about his tragic past…

…either for dramatic effect or because the crew’s trying to tell these two to shut up and let them sleep.

When you reach the town up north, it’s completely on fire! Or, well, as “on fire” as the tiny fire sprites in this game will allow.

Exploring the nearby area leads to a huge wall that’s blocking the way. A guard tells you that all passage is forbidden unless you have permission from the king, because Culex’s base is on the other side and everyone hates that jerk. Note that it took roughly 20 minutes for this game to get to the obligatory “go talk to the king” moment most RPG Maker creations put at the very beginning, which should give you a sense of how long it’s gonna end up being.

So Corda and Yelfe follow the guard’s directions to the castle, walk in, and tell the king they want to kill Culex. He’s so taken with these two murderous randos that he invites them to a sleepover.

The next morning, a loud noise awakens Corda and Yelfe. You exit your room to find that the castle has been invaded by Culex (whose city-destroying powers, we now learn, also apply to huge walls) and the king and his men escaped without even waking you up. You meet Culex again, and his tone implies that Randolf’s next performance review would have been rough if, you know, you hadn’t killed him.

(This is what you get when you entrust such an important job to someone whose name sounds like a Starbucks barista’s interpretation of “Randall.”)

Culex knows that you aren’t leveled up enough to fight him yet, so he sics his anachronistic samurai henchman on you and leaves. After defeating the samurai, Corda and Yelfe find out that the king is now hiding in a cave with the anti-Culex resistance. That’s where you meet Tani, a fellow Culex-hater who sorta invites herself into your party. She has a certain jock energy that immediately clashes with Yelfe’s dweebiness.

The king asks you three to go on a suicide mission at Culex’s base as a distraction while his soldiers launch a proper attack, and you’re like “Yeah, sure, what the hell.” The base is guarded by bizarre creatures like a winged lion with a scorpion tail and a giant snake with the upper body of a sexy lady. Is Culex a Dr. Moreau-type maniac? Is he massacring villagers to harvest body parts for his experiments?

You reach Culex’s throne and find… Randolf?! Didn’t you kill him? Is this another Randolf? Is the name Randolf the “John” of this world? Nope, Culex brought the original Randolf back to life, which is a thing he can do. Guess he’s a Dr. Frankenstein-type maniac, too.

Randolf says he’s supposed to keep you busy while Culex and his army go to the Eastern continent, because “They plan to kill more there! But I plan to kill YOU now!” :0

Naturally, you kill him again – but he has a second phase this time and turns into a cyclops monster! So you kill him again again.

After re-vanquishing Randolf, you go back to the king, who tells you that all his men have already left for the East, and then just… dies, for unspecified reasons. Maybe he was too tired from running back and forth between here and the castle? This scene also reveals that the king was a Jedi all along, since his body disappears upon death.

Goodbye, king. We’ll miss you forever. Unless we go back into this cave, since his sprite will still be there for some reason (and it isn’t even blue, so it can’t be a Force Ghost).

Before dying, the king was nice enough to prepare a boat for you to follow Culex to the Eastern continent, and he even asked a blond-haired knight called Jerzi to join your party. Yelfe is less than welcoming, but Tani once again puts him in his place.

There’s something about boat rides that makes RPG characters particularly introspective, so it’s time for more heart-to-hearts with each member of your crew: Yelfe reminisces about his wife and says he wants to prevent more wives from being harmed, Tani confesses that Culex killed her BFF, and Jerzi just tells you how much time is left on the trip. But he probably said it in, like, a really emotional way.

Once you’re in the Eastern continent, you wander around fighting random monsters for a while until you run across a place called “Janki cliff” (not sure we want to know what sort of common activity earned it that name). Near the cliff, you spot a familiar face:

Once again, his body shakes before saying that. Wait, is he cheating on that other pond with this pond?! Shame on you, promiscuous pond-loving old man. You are now the worst character in this game.

After climbing to the top of the Janki cliff (doing your best not to make eye contact with the people loitering there), Corda is stoked to bump into an old friend called Joyce, who just happens to be vacationing here in the middle of the ongoing mass slaughter.

The gang goes to a nearby inn to rest while Corda catches Joyce up with the “mass slaughter” situation, which she had no clue about; some people just don’t like looking at the news. Later, while everyone sleeps, Corda wakes up to a scream and realizes Joyce is missing. He goes out and finds her at the top of the cliff, but she’s sorta fading in and out of reality. W-Was she a ghost? Is someone gonna say “Joyce? But Joyce died… ten years ago, on this very night!” Guess that would justify her not keeping up with current events.

Culex’s voice comes out of nowhere and says that Joyce will be a sacrifice for “his master.” Corda is instructed to go to a shrine in the middle of an island if he wants to find out what the hell that even means. He goes there alone and meets Culex, who says he’ll finally explain his whole deal if Corda defeats his evil genie minion (because this game’s creator is admirably committed to using all the sprites).

So, Corda wins a tough battle against the genie, and… Culex is like “lol, just kidding,” kills Joyce, and goes away without explaining shit.

Wow. This might be coldest villain in all of gaming.

We cut to Joyce’s funeral, where Yelfe gives Corda like two seconds to mourn before ruining the moment with a “Now what?” Shut up, Yelfe, you insensitive prick.

Anyway, the answer to Yelfe’s question is “go kill Culex,” obviously. Now it’s personal (for Corda; it was already personal for the rest).

The gang heard Culex was heading north, so that’s where they go. This leads to a ton more enemies (all the sprites!) and, eventually, a big mansion you can’t go into unless you’re “a member.” Hmm, guess it must be some sort of club? You try to sneak in through a side entrance, but you’re stopped by an employee who’s dressed like… oh.

Oh, it’s that sort of club.

Inside a nearby house, you meet a bed-ridden young lady who asks if you’re the “replacement” her boss sent to pick up her “uniform.” She also says she heard that “one of Culex’s ex generals” is at the mansion. You see where this is going. Tani certainly does, and she’s not happy about it.

Note that the usually mature Corda seems to have turned into Beavis for a second there. Tani insists that she’s NOT wearing a goddamn bunny suit. Cut to: Tani wearing a goddamn bunny suit.

Oh, and a blonde wig, presumably borrowed from Jerzi. Incidentally, Jerzi is the only male in the party who handles the situation with decorum (simply wishing Tani good luck in her mission), while Yelfe follows Corda’s example and turns into Butt-Head:

Wasn’t this guy supposed to be a priest?!

At this point, Tani becomes a party of one as the men are left behind while she infiltrates the Medieval Playboy Mansion to get info on the former Culex general enjoying himself there. Will she complete this mission with her life and dignity intact? We’ll have to wait until the next part to find out, since we just reached Tumblr’s image limit.

TO BE CONCLUDED! For real, this time.

No, the clip above isn’t from an official Game Boy Advance Video release of The Super Mario Bros. Super Show (Dora the Explorer had two episodes on GBA Video, yet this show somehow had none). We made it ourselves, as the final seconds of the clip might have made you guess. It turns out it’s shockingly easy to turn video files into a GBA Video ROMs you can play on a real GBA via flashcarts, which is perfect for keeping yourself entertained during your commute while making everyone around you think you’re a gigantic fucking nerd.

Here’s a short tutorial based on this one on GBAtemp, with some changes:

• Get the programs here: https://www.gameboy-advance.net/video/meteo_avi-2-gba_video_codec.htm
• Split your original video into 10-15 minute parts with a video editor
• Convert each part to AVI (we use Prism Video Converter)
• Open the Meteo140EN, load your AVI files one by one, and use these settings:

Bitrate: 40 (try less if the file turns out too big)

Op: Manual

Trim: No Trim - Manual Resize

Resize: Aspt

Framerate: Auto

Pre-Filer: 4x Dithering

• The GBAtemp tutorial recommends using the gbafix program to make the videos console compatible (just drag your ROM into gbafix.exe, which can be found here), but that wasn’t really necessary on the flash cart we used (EZ Flash Omega)
• DO THE MARIO  

Nintendo just showed off a ton of cool new indie games that are coming to Switch soon! Apparently. We missed the stream. Here are our summaries for all the games anyway, based on nothing but the image above.

Cadence of Hyrule: Some Other Shit We Can’t Read Because The Font Is Too Small

A girl named Cadence plays her… what is that, like a ukulele? She plays whatever that instrument is called in Hyrule’s subway and people throw rupees at her. Gather enough rupees to buy a less shitty instrument!

Cuphead

The classic viral gross-out porn video comes to Nintendo Switch! Now with more oral.

My Friend Pedro

Oh shit! It’s your old pal Pedro from middle school! Find out what Pedro’s been up to all these years, compliment him on his wonderful family, and promise you’ll give him a call to hang out soon. Man, we’ve missed him so much! (Pedro walks out of earshot.) HATE that guy.

3 Stranger Things: The Game

You got three copies of Stranger Things: The Game for your birthday. Uh-oh! How do you dispose of two without your mother, your fiancée, or superstar footballer Lionel Messi finding out? Why did superstar footballer Lionel Messi get you something for your birthday anyway? Solve these and more mysteries in this intriguing game.

Katana Zero

A revolutionary game in which you have zero katanas. No katanas whatsoever. Katana Zero uses advanced computing technology to achieve this unprecedented feat and allow you to experience what it would feel like to be someone with no katanas. A truly breathtaking gaming experience. Also, you die a lot.

Overland

The long awaited follow-up to Overwatch (that is also still awaited because it’s not on the Switch yet) shifts the focus of the plot from your watch to your land! You lose if you ever go underground.

Rad

A prequel to the just-released (on Switch) title Rad Rodgers. This one takes place in the dark period of the main character’s life before he got the honorary title of “Rodgers.” Before he got the singular title “Rodger” even.

Bloodroots

The ground-breaking ‘70s TV miniseries finally gets the hack’n’slash video game adaptation it deserves.

Blaster Master 2 Zero II

Crazy to think that the Blaster Master series is already in its 202nd entry, but it’s true. Also released as 2 Blaster II Master.

Darkwood

It’s the middle of the night, you just had that dream about your crush again, you wake up… and it’s like WHOA! And thinking about baseball doesn’t help so you have to play this game instead.

Neo Cab

The world of Neopets finally comes to public transportation! Raise your virtual pet while riding to work, the airport, or simply hanging out with your favorite cabbie. Visiting Neopia has never been more fun! NOTE: Although set to be released on the Nintendo Switch, this game is only licensed to be played inside taxicabs. Any other uses will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law.

Pine

In this social simulation, you are a pine tree. You get planted, you grow, you stay in place. Meanwhile, all around you, people are going off on grand adventures to fight demons, they’re falling in love, chasing their dreams, creating a legacy for the world to remember them by… but you don’t do any of it. You are still in just the one spot. When the game ends you have a realization that it’s the most realistic thing you ever played because it reflects your own existence, doing nothing while life happens all around you for everyone else. And since this game plays out in real-time it becomes especially accurate because wow you spent a lot of days on this one.

Swimsanity!

Well would you look at that, you have your scuba gear complete with an O face and some cannon on your arm, so obviously it’s all about swimming. Until you go crazy.

Creature / In The Well

A double feature that includes the horror game Creature and the “being in a well” simulator In The Well. Escape a ferocious monster, then relax by chilling inside your favorite damp hole in the ground. COMING SOON: Creature 2 / Dying of Hypothermia.

The Red Lantern

You’re in ancient Rome, and there’s so much blood in your stool that it’s almost literally “painting the town red,” but even though you know it’s a public health issue and you might be causing airborne diseases it’s embarrassing so you don’t tell anyone that you’re the one doing it and–oh crap, that says “Lantern,” not “Latrine.” Move along…

Nuclear Throne

The greatest video game about Kim Jong-Un since Rento Fortune. Also judging from the logo it’ll be a crossover with the ooze from the TMNT franchise. Just remember to flush.

Ultra Bugs

Bugs Bunny is back, and he ain’t fucking around. Bugs has a gritty new attitude and if you don’t like it, you can suck his dick. He’s ultra – ultra RAUNCHY, that is! Find out what the anuses of your favorite Looney Tunes characters look like in this all-ages romp from Warner Bros. Interactive Entertainment.

Super Crate Box

The loot crate craze finally comes to the Nintendo Switch in earnest, only this time, the rewards are more loot crates! You throw money to get boxes that give you more boxes that you have to throw money at. It skirts gambling laws by technically being edutainment as it teaches kids about the fun they can have with circular logic.

Wow! This is such a killer selection of games that Sony apparently decided to just re-air the Nintendo Direct the other day. Which game are you looking forward to the most? Sound off in the comments!

 

Nintendo’s latest Smash Bros. Ultimate presentation included a shocking scene seemingly depicting Luigi being slain by the Grim Reaper. We reached out to Shigeru Miyamoto, father of the Mario Brothers, for comment.

NintendoDuo: Luigi has certainly gone up against his fair share of ghouls before, but never one quite as scary as today’s. After the tremendous internet reaction to that moment, are you thinking of maybe making a Luigi’s Mansion game with more realistic, Castlevania-like monsters?

Shigeru Miyamoto: No. Because of his death in the new Nintendo Direct, we can no longer make more games featuring Luigi. Mario must carry this pain in his soul for the rest of his life, and his own adventures will be darker and more introspective because of it.

ND: Are- Are you saying you’re permanently retiring the Luigi character?

SG: He fucking died. My son, Luigi, is fucking dead.

ND: Oh. Wow. Does this at least mean we’ll finally get to see some games featuring the third Mario Brother, Giancarlo?

SG: From Mario’s perspective, he wouldn’t want to endanger his youngest brother, his sweet baby, after the tragedy befallen on Luigi. Mario will not allow Giancarlo to go on his adventures. And from a business perspective, Giancarlo is a shit character and I don’t want him in my games. The wrong brother died.

ND: Wait, are you saying Luigi’s death wasn’t your decision?

SG: I found out Sakurai-san had murdered my precious child when I sat down to watch today’s Direct. But I do not hate Sakurai-san. He is merely a pawn of the senseless chaos that rules the universe, as are we all.

ND: Well, what about a game featuring Luigi’s ghost? That would be an interesting spin for the Luigi’s Mansion series.

SG: Ghosts are a coward’s belief. After death, there is only nothingness and oblivion. You simply forget the world, and soon, it forgets you.

ND: But, uh, the Nintendo Direct clearly showed Luigi’s ghost coming out of his body…?

SG: I saw no such thing.

ND: What about the ghosts Luigi has been hunting in his solo games, or the Boos from the mainline Super Mario Bros. series?

SG: Oh, they are demons from the other dimension. God may not exist, but Satan is very real. And his agents are everywhere.

ND: That’s probably a good place to end the interview. Thank you, Miyamoto-san.

SG: Captain Olimar from the Pikmin series is based upon the madman Adolf Hitler of Germany. Hence his tremendous charisma and ability to blindly lead the Pikmin to a certain death. Which is the end of all things.

ND: Thank you.

First, the obvious. That big, monstrous reptile on the right can only be Mario’s most feared enemy: Bowletta, from that one game where Bowser got possessed by a witch and grew boobs on his head.

On the left, that curl betrays the presence of everyone’s favorite Nintendo ape: the hilarious Lanky Kong from Donkey Kong 64.

And the pointy headed character to his left needs no introduction:

And see that character with the broad shoulders on the center? Could it be…? Yes, it’s Simon Belmont from the Captain N cartoon! It’s a perfect fit!

How about that that long-haired character to Bowletta’s right? None other than Danica Patrick from Nintendo’s Sega’s All-Star Racing Transformed (Wii U).

That little round blob near Lanky isn’t up for debate: it’s Kirby, but with a human face. (Why Nintendo didn’t just go with regular Kirby is beyond us.)

On the very right we have another small, roundish character, but if you look closely, you’ll notice it has ears on top. That’s because it’s none other than Shrek, from the GBA classic Shrek: Hassle in the Castle! But only his head!

Speaking of heads, that’s clearly Batman’s between Bowletta and Danica.

And who do we have next to Simon? Keiji Inafune’s most beloved creation, Mighty No. 9!

There’s another lady to Bowletta’s left, and it’s a classic: my original character Dark Satanic RosalinaX, Empress of Chaos, who has fangs and drinks blood but is not a vampire. (Do NOT call her a vampire or you’ll be banned from my page.)

And on the very left, you know, it’s that guy! From that game! You know!

Another stone cold Nintendo classic can be seen next to Kirby… yes, Tim Allen from Home Improvement: Power Tool Pursuit on the SNES!

All the others are His Excellency, Prime Minister of Japan, Shinzo Abe. A moving display of patriotism from Nintendo.

There you go, that’s the whole roster. Who are you most excited for? Sound off in the comments and remember to “like” our YouTube channel on the Twitter!

In an unprecedented journalistic effort, we have put the Wii U/Switch box art images next to each other using top-of-the-line technology. Take a look:

Well, there’s a lot to unpack here, most of which we won’t be able to cover in the 300-word minimum we need to reach to get paid, so we’ll discuss it in this article’s 27-minute companion video over on YouTube. The most important fact you need to know before deciding which version of the game to purchase through our affiliate links is this: the Wii U edition may have a half circle covering the entire top of the image, but the Switch one is way thinner. If you don’t believe us, check out this explicative diagram:

C:\Users\Family\Desktop\untitled.jpg

Pretty shocking stuff. What this means is that the world depicted in the Switch box art is considerably less expansive than its Wii U counterpart. According to our calculations, if you were to traverse the entire Switch artwork with your eyes, all the way from the left edge to the right one, it would take you less time than if you were looking at the Wii U artwork. Conversely, going through the Wii U art would take more time than that’s 300 words eat shit motherfuckers i’m ouuuuut

Would these images have increased your hype for the game had you seen them when they were relevant? Sound off in the comments!